*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
You Might Also Like
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible