[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
What number SPF blocks people?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH