[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
You Might Also Like
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good