holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?