@shutupmikeginn: [holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he'd be slimey but he's really dry
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@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones. Scarlett Johansson: That's very interesting.
@POTerritory: "Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization." - ancient Chinese proverb