[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.