*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Oh thanks BBC.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY