[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Investing in beetcoin
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!