*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..