Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
2022 be like
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.