[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*