[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try