[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.