*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
What an awful time to have common sense.