“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
This is a whole mood;
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.