Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
We’ve all been there
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.