*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!