*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.