4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?