*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
You Might Also Like
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one