@PaperWash: *holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*
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@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving! ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes? *she just turns & walks away* (crunch) (crunch) (crunch) (crunch)
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@BarryVonAwesome: The Hurricane came through here like a tornado -Lady on the News just now I don't want to live on this planet anymore