@PaperWash: *holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*
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@VintageKriner: "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark." The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
@slaughthie: Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
@wastefulthinker: Me: "Hey Siri, I nee-..." Siri: "Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."