*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
i did the math
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?