*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I’ve been learning to cook.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT