*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Labreador
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Dune (2021)
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
two people or more is called a problem
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”