[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
San Francisco has too many rules
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.