*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here