*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.