*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My kid鈥檚 kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I鈥檓 saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
What kind of a cult is this?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
i actually laughed 馃槱
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn鈥檛 know anyone so we couldn鈥檛 join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: I鈥檓 going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies