It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
A friend helps you before you need it
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.