*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My typo game is string.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this