So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.