“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The police never think its as funny as you do.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once