Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I cannot call her anything else now
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
so, is there a mister shapen head
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies