Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You’re the water to my grease fire.