@myles_morrison: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I said "Hell no. I don't want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home."

@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would've been if he'd eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@liv_thatsme: CAREER DAY me: I’m telling you kid, there’s a job for everyone. What are you good at? kid: My parents say I smell weird and I make them uncomfortable in their own house. me: Have you considered cable installation?

@squirrel74wkgn: [after sex] Her: *lights up smoke* Me: *unwraps toothpick*

@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team. ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5