Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG