Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down