Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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cyclists
constantly working on myself.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.