Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?