Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Sponch
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on