Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time