Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”