Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
This checks out
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.