Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
mood
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.