I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
thanks auntie mary
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space