A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
sensitive skin
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My god she’s good.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.