If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.