“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?