“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
for all #parents out there
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.