“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Rambo Rambow
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait