Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
This 4th of July, please remember…
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Unimpressed
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?