My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.