Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.